Our Game Of “Roulette”
DEFINITION: A game of chance, in which a small ball is made to move around rapidly on a circle divided off into numbered red and black spaces, the one on which it stops indicating the result of a variety of wagers permitted by the game.
Our experience with infertility (11 years in the making) has been very much like a roulette wheel.
We've undergone over 14 different assisted reproductive technology treatments through the years, each with its own set of hopes and dreams and each accompanied with crossed fingers, held breath and silent wishes.
We've felt “black” at times, fraught with despair and sadness, and “red” at other times, full of anger, bitterness and contempt.
We've fluctuated through the years from “odd” behaviours (withdrawing from friends and family, turning against one another) to “even” occurrences (where others might say that we appeared settled, comfortable and at peace).
I, for a period of time, chose to throw myself into work, to be so very busy that I was always “spinning”; for no other reason than to numb the pain.
But, like most games of chance, we've had some “wins”. After all, they say that if you play the game long enough, you are bound to have some successes (in some way, shape or form).
In our case, In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) brought us an angel. Words cannot express the love and adoration that we have for our little ray of sunshine.
And now, approaching our 15th wedding anniversary, we see another win. Looking back on the struggles, the losses and the pains, we feel great pride - a pride to have had (and to still have) a love between the two of us that is so solid and so strong. Granted, throughout our wretched course, we've seen peaks and we've seen valleys, but we've always held together. "United We Stand" and we don't intend to fall.
Yes, we desperately want another child.
At times, we feel as though it is unfair to even ask for a second miracle (given that we've already been so richly blessed with one miraculous bundle).
But, for now, we are comfortable. Comfortable knowing that whatever will be, will be. Comfortable relishing in the incredible miracle we do have, and comfortable moving ahead in our world.
If another child is in the “cards” for us, then fantastic! But, if not, we have no worries. Our small but loving family suits us just fine.
It was only very recently that we made the joint decision to let go of the anger, let go of the fear and truly release our pain. What occurs from here on in will be left up to “chance”.
In a nutshell, we are choosing smiles over tears, laughs over frowns and repetitive giggles and tickles over hurtful and manipulative fears. The release feels good.
Life is good.
